Cracks in My Heart, Light in My Soul

A Fourth-Generation Member of the 2x2 Church Reckons with Abuse, Betrayal, and the God Who Was Never in the System.

How do you reconcile that something you thought was good was actually full of evil?

Having been born into the 2x2 church as a fourth-generation member, this realization was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to face.

Let me tell you—reconciling that kind of betrayal takes time and a lot of tears.

At first, you’re hit with disbelief.

There’s no way an overseer—a respected worker—was hiding his own horrendous acts of child sexual abuse and who knows what else. There had to be some mistake.

Until you realize there is no misunderstanding, it’s all true.

And there’s more.

Not only did he commit crimes against children, but the leadership in the ministry knew about it, and still, they held a funeral as if he were a saint. They protected him and his image. Hundreds showed up to pay their respects to this man. He was praised. Some even took photos of themselves standing by his casket.

The leadership hid the abuse, pretended like all was well, and tried to get rid of the evidence on his laptop. They didn’t just hide the abuse; they honored the abuser.

But it gets worse.

This wasn’t the first time the leadership in the church you were born into—the one you were taught was God’s true way—covered up horrible abuse.

There were countless cases before.

But it was a time of reckoning. Secrets began to spill out into the light. Story after story of child sexual abuse across the world—all hidden, denied, or buried—finally resurrected and shouting for justice.

It’s at this point that you can’t deny that it happened within the church—your church, your family, your everything.

People aren’t perfect, but this?

This is evil.

And you know this amount of evil in a small group is a pattern, not the exception.

You have no choice but to accept it.

It’s shocking.

Heartbreaking.

World-shattering.

And when the leadership refuses to act on behalf of the survivors, refuses to take accountability, repent, or show real care—that’s when you know that everything you thought had been good and right, never had been at all.

It’s disappointment.

It’s utter betrayal.

And it hurts so bad.

Everything you have ever known and trusted as stable within a changing world, flipped upside down. It’s chaos.

You might continue to go through stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, until finally, you accept it. Truly accept the fact that you had been lied to and grossly betrayed by the people you trusted the most.

Acceptance arrives as the result of a million tiny heartbreaks, leaving cracks in your soul.

At one of my lowest moments, praying desperately for wisdom, the most vivid image flashed through my mind.

It was my heart—cracks all over it. It was nearly shattered yet still connected. A bright light shone from within my heart, and the cracks let the light out like rays of sunshine.

It was such a beautiful image, though I wasn’t sure what it meant at first.

What I realized, was that God lives within me—as He lives in all of us—His very creation. He doesn’t reside within any system, organization, or church.

He’s not only accessible through a ministry.

He’s within us, and He always has been.

And we knew that all along, but hadn’t truly experienced it before—not this fully.

When we finally break free from what confines us, the systems and rules, God can shine in our lives as He’s meant to. We can be authentic because God made us to be.

It was at that moment that I realized everything would be okay. I already had everything I needed. What I was losing wasn’t essential to my life or salvation. It was an addition—one that had held me captive when I hadn’t even realized it.

So, how do you reconcile when something you thought was good was actually evil?

You realize that in God, there is no evil. When evil exists and is not repented of, God is not present.

At that moment, the cognitive dissonance disappears.

And that makes leaving the only choice, no matter the cost.

That’s when it’s time to step out of the shadows and into the light. To make a choice that reflects your values and morals—to choose the truth, the real truth.

This is how you reconcile.

You tell the truth.

You grieve what you once believed.

And you let the light shine through the cracks of your broken heart.