Freedom Looks Different Now
From childhood anxiety and social pressure to finding freedom on my own terms
Every year, an older couple hosted a Fourth of July gathering at their log home in the country. We occasionally attended, but I’d say we didn’t attend more often than we did. The hosts were super nice people who always made everyone feel welcomed and loved.
What I remember most was feeling incredibly nervous when we went. It was probably a level of social anxiety mixed with the uncertainty of whether the other kids would want to play and whether they’d be nice. I would never know—at one gathering, they’d be your best friend and the next, they’d act like you didn’t exist. At social events like this, I’d likely be found hanging around my mom.
There was one girl who was generally nicer than the rest, and I was always happy when she was around. We got along well and would write each other letters sent through snail mail to keep in touch since she lived on the other side of our field, and we only saw each other at gospel meetings and the occasional union meeting.
Teenagers were always playing a lively game of volleyball—the girls in their jean skirts with long braids hanging down their backs, nearly reaching their butts, and the boys in their jeans, despite the hot and humid July weather. I’m sure anyone looking on thought we were a group of Pentecostals, though we thought we looked like God’s only children.
I didn’t like playing because I was terrified I would mess up, which I inevitably did, causing my team to lose a point. I was never a fan of competitive sports for this reason. I was too self-conscious to relax and enjoy the game, constantly worrying about my size and appearance, which prevented me from having any fun.
And it was always volleyball, no matter where you went. As an adult, I had lost a ton of weight, ran several miles regularly, and felt much more confident being active. At a similar event, my husband and I decided to join a volleyball game, excited to have fun for once. I missed the ball, and a guy in his 20s said something to the effect of, “Why are you even playing?”. It completely deflated me, and I left the game.
And this was why I avoided both social events and playing any of the games—people were mean. Snide comments. Veiled laughter between people. No wonder I hated it. There were some who would encourage me by saying things like, “good try,” but the ultra-competitive self-declared legends with the personalities of paper cuts ruined it for me.
The “picnic” was always a potluck-style affair, with plenty of good food. However, my self-conscious nature made me afraid to fill my plate, thinking people would judge me for how much I ate. So, I usually left these events hungry, longing for an emotionally fulfilling snack when I got home. The beginnings of an eating disorder that would plague me for years and that I still struggle with in very high-stress situations, though I am now aware of what’s happening.
It was always a huge relief to climb into the minivan and leave. I won’t say that I never enjoyed myself, because sometimes I did, thanks to the one friend I had. But I was always happy to be within the comfort of the van headed home with my family.
This piece turned into quite the Debbie-downer in a hurry. But it’s healing to get these thoughts out and let them go—knowing that this is not the place I am in anymore, nor am I the same timid person that I once was, too afraid of what people would think to live life fully.
I much prefer the Fourth of July that I enjoy now. While our plans tend to change from year to year, they’re not filled with uncomfortable social gatherings that I can’t wait to leave. Over the years, we’ve spent the holiday on the lake fishing, at the pool, or just hanging out with family. This year, we’re hosting both sets of our parents for a BBQ at the home we’re renovating, and then my husband will set off fireworks at dusk.
This Independence Day, I’m celebrating not only the birth of our nation but my own freedom from a life of bondage and expectations that I can never meet. It’s a great gift to have broken free from the chains and to be living in freedom, both emotionally and spiritually, and in a sense, physically.
Happy Independence Day! May you spend today and every day in places that make you feel loved and accepted, and, with thankfulness, remember all of the bondage you've been set free from.