This post hit me so hard because it is exactly what I am experiencing at the moment. I am not "in the truth" anymore but I am also not really out. Saying it like that perhaps means that I am actually out? I don't know. It is scary to leave the "only way that leads to Heaven". Am I now going to hell?
Where will I find fellowship now? I have been told by many others that fellowship is vital. I have been told I can't serve God without fellowship (and/or meetings). During covid though we discovered that we can serve God without meetings.
Last year I had cancer and the whole year was filled with operations, chemotherapy treatments and radiation. Only 3 members/friends from the 2x2 made contact with me. The elder and his wife of the Sunday meeting I attended, never contacted me, never showed any love or care. And then I ask myself how is that possible if love is the kingdom's banner?
Therefore I am disillusioned. I am angry when I think of all the abuse. I experienced it as did my daughter and my son - but at the time I kept quiet because "we must protect the truth" - that was drilled into me. Now I am angry that I didn't speak up and bring it to light.
That’s a heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry, I hear you, and I understand. ❤️
I recommend reading the book Finding Church by Wayne Jacobsen. It helped me to start viewing my journey a little differently, and start seeing “church” outside the confines of a specific place to meet with fellow Christians. At least that’s where I’m at right now!
It’s hard to make these decisions, but for me, it got to the point where I just couldn’t align myself with the 2x2 church anymore. And it was liberating to finally leave. Painful, but liberating.
I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered and the lingering impact.
You are not alone in the struggle and I hope you can find community via the online sites: CCF, Facebook EX and Christian EX, CSA Support, Worthy of the World, etc.
Dear Alissa, I greatly appreciated your post, it brought tears. I know what you are saying, I feel every hurt, confusion, and distrust, I have experienced all these emotions. When all this sexual corruption was exposed I went into the deepest despair that I have ever experienced, it was much worse than when my dad died from a massive heart attack, at less than 60yrs old. I am 76yrs old now and after over 2yrs this corruption still weighs on my heart. Like you, I can not trust anyone anymore, except those who may prove themselves trustworthy. I still go to Sunday fellowship meeting, sometimes Wednesday night, when my wife is working. My wife is third generation in the fellowship, I'll never call it the "Truth," ever, since the corruption, I came into it in 1988. It was precious, I have many precious friends. I find I can't just leave without committing myself to at least try, to get at least some, to see that this system is not according to what Jesus Christ told His disciples, He said "The gentiles over the people, but it shall not be so amongst you, and whoever will be the greatest must be the least." And to me, that means NO ONE can rule over ANYONE. Peter wrote about Christ being, "The Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." He is our overseer, and The Overseer of the ministry, He never intended any man to be over the ministry, only The Spirit of God and Christ is to send and direct them to when, how and where to go. This has been made so very clear to me, in the depth of my heart and I am convinced that is the ONLY way that this fellowship can be saved. God can still save this fellowship, if, every one in it obeys the leading of The Spirit of God. Otherwise it surely WILL fall apart, because, God will NOT be mocked, what is sown WILL be reaped. Let us hold fast to our faith in Christ Jesus and trust only in Him, He knows our hearts and the hurts, dispair, and the desires of our hearts, to please Him and only Him.
Alissa, do you know about CCF? You can find out about it through the website that just launched today: cc friends.org. I have found it to be very helpful.
I professed for 53 years. My husband and I left meetings in September 2023. We have no friends because we had relocated across the country less than a year before Bruergate. All of our acquaintances were from meeting.
I recently discovered Wayne Jacobsen. He's an author who also has a podcast and website. I highly recommend reading his book "He Loves Me". A lot of people also recommend "Finding Church".
Wayne was a preacher in a "worldly church" for 20 years, and then left religion to pursue a relationship with God outside the constructs of "religious obligation". He says anytime you set up a system for serving God, eventually people get hurt because it becomes imperative to sustain the system.
He's not selling anything except his books, and some of those are free on his website. In July 2025 he flew from California to Idaho to meet with some current and ex-2x2s: no charge. He discusses his visit on his podcast thegodjourney.com, episodes 996, 997 and 998.
Your story is from the same play book as the ICOC, International Church if Christ. Reading other cult survivor stories helped me recognise the patterns and the tactics used to keep us in and complient. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've left my group after 35 years. It's extremely difficult to navigate and I am glad you have trusted support.
This post hit me so hard because it is exactly what I am experiencing at the moment. I am not "in the truth" anymore but I am also not really out. Saying it like that perhaps means that I am actually out? I don't know. It is scary to leave the "only way that leads to Heaven". Am I now going to hell?
Where will I find fellowship now? I have been told by many others that fellowship is vital. I have been told I can't serve God without fellowship (and/or meetings). During covid though we discovered that we can serve God without meetings.
Last year I had cancer and the whole year was filled with operations, chemotherapy treatments and radiation. Only 3 members/friends from the 2x2 made contact with me. The elder and his wife of the Sunday meeting I attended, never contacted me, never showed any love or care. And then I ask myself how is that possible if love is the kingdom's banner?
Therefore I am disillusioned. I am angry when I think of all the abuse. I experienced it as did my daughter and my son - but at the time I kept quiet because "we must protect the truth" - that was drilled into me. Now I am angry that I didn't speak up and bring it to light.
I am floundering and confused and scared.
Where to next?
I really don't know
That’s a heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry, I hear you, and I understand. ❤️
I recommend reading the book Finding Church by Wayne Jacobsen. It helped me to start viewing my journey a little differently, and start seeing “church” outside the confines of a specific place to meet with fellow Christians. At least that’s where I’m at right now!
It’s hard to make these decisions, but for me, it got to the point where I just couldn’t align myself with the 2x2 church anymore. And it was liberating to finally leave. Painful, but liberating.
I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered and the lingering impact.
You are not alone in the struggle and I hope you can find community via the online sites: CCF, Facebook EX and Christian EX, CSA Support, Worthy of the World, etc.
Please check out a group of us who are finding support at Connected and Concerned Friends "CCF". You can learn about it at CCFriends.org
I also highly recommend lifestream.org. He has a lot of answers to your questions.
I am so sorry that you and your family were victimized. It is not too late to report it to the FBI. Here is the link, especially for the 2x2s:
https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/victim-services/seeking-victim-information/seeking-victim-information-in-2x2-investigation
A Bruergate Casualty
Dear Alissa, I greatly appreciated your post, it brought tears. I know what you are saying, I feel every hurt, confusion, and distrust, I have experienced all these emotions. When all this sexual corruption was exposed I went into the deepest despair that I have ever experienced, it was much worse than when my dad died from a massive heart attack, at less than 60yrs old. I am 76yrs old now and after over 2yrs this corruption still weighs on my heart. Like you, I can not trust anyone anymore, except those who may prove themselves trustworthy. I still go to Sunday fellowship meeting, sometimes Wednesday night, when my wife is working. My wife is third generation in the fellowship, I'll never call it the "Truth," ever, since the corruption, I came into it in 1988. It was precious, I have many precious friends. I find I can't just leave without committing myself to at least try, to get at least some, to see that this system is not according to what Jesus Christ told His disciples, He said "The gentiles over the people, but it shall not be so amongst you, and whoever will be the greatest must be the least." And to me, that means NO ONE can rule over ANYONE. Peter wrote about Christ being, "The Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." He is our overseer, and The Overseer of the ministry, He never intended any man to be over the ministry, only The Spirit of God and Christ is to send and direct them to when, how and where to go. This has been made so very clear to me, in the depth of my heart and I am convinced that is the ONLY way that this fellowship can be saved. God can still save this fellowship, if, every one in it obeys the leading of The Spirit of God. Otherwise it surely WILL fall apart, because, God will NOT be mocked, what is sown WILL be reaped. Let us hold fast to our faith in Christ Jesus and trust only in Him, He knows our hearts and the hurts, dispair, and the desires of our hearts, to please Him and only Him.
Please check out a group of us who are finding support at Connected and Concerned Friends "CCF". You can learn about it at CCFriends.org
I also highly recommend lifestream.org. He has a lot of answers to your questions.
A Bruergate Casualty
“Spirituality vs religiosity”…pure gold!
Beautiful reflection. So relatable. It’s so true. We are slowly finding each other.
Alissa, do you know about CCF? You can find out about it through the website that just launched today: cc friends.org. I have found it to be very helpful.
I professed for 53 years. My husband and I left meetings in September 2023. We have no friends because we had relocated across the country less than a year before Bruergate. All of our acquaintances were from meeting.
I recently discovered Wayne Jacobsen. He's an author who also has a podcast and website. I highly recommend reading his book "He Loves Me". A lot of people also recommend "Finding Church".
Wayne was a preacher in a "worldly church" for 20 years, and then left religion to pursue a relationship with God outside the constructs of "religious obligation". He says anytime you set up a system for serving God, eventually people get hurt because it becomes imperative to sustain the system.
He's not selling anything except his books, and some of those are free on his website. In July 2025 he flew from California to Idaho to meet with some current and ex-2x2s: no charge. He discusses his visit on his podcast thegodjourney.com, episodes 996, 997 and 998.
His website is lifestream.org.
I understand. I care. I'm in the same flotsam you are in.
Your story is from the same play book as the ICOC, International Church if Christ. Reading other cult survivor stories helped me recognise the patterns and the tactics used to keep us in and complient. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've left my group after 35 years. It's extremely difficult to navigate and I am glad you have trusted support.